


The OCS - The Order of the Cruciform Singletons

by sweetnettletea



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Complete crack, F/F, I'm going to hell I just know it, Lilith Mary Camila and Shannon ship them so hard, i hope god doesn't hate me for this, oblivious Avatrice, this would never happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29118996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetnettletea/pseuds/sweetnettletea
Summary: Lilith ships Ava and Beatrice so hard, that she opens up an OCS (Order of the Cruciform Singletons) club at the church and matches them with other people (without them knowing, of course), just to make them jealous and confess their underlying love for each other.She definitely doesn't have a bet going with everyone else in the club about them confessing their feelings either. (Definitely not!!) (Mary is unquestionably not involved in it as well, nope!!)This is completely a crack fic, no seriousness about it (Kinda, mainly).Avatrice. Camilil. Shannary.
Relationships: Shotgun Mary/Shannon Masters, Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva, Sister Camila/Sister Lilith (Warrior Nun)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 107





	The OCS - The Order of the Cruciform Singletons

“Tell me this is the most ridiculous thing in the whole entire universe and that I’m not just being dramatic.” 

It _is_ , in fact, the most ridiculous thing in the whole entire universe. Ava had questioned Lilith’s intentions when she’d first announced the OCS - _Order of the Cruciform Singletons_ \- club and Lilith had replied half defensive and half shameless with _because I’m a changed woman, and it’s about time we all got laid_. Ava had choked on her doughnut and Camila had almost fainted. 

“It won’t be as bad as we think.” Camila assures- herself more than anything- from where she stands adjacent to Ava. “Besides, we may have a good time. Who knows?” 

They simultaneously look up at the extremely colourful (and definitely not tacky) _Order of the Cruciform Singletons_ sign above the doors that lead into the— _church halls_. Ava mutters a quiet, “it’s a little beneath her standards don’t you think?” 

Camila presses her lips together and looks away. 

*

There’s a mixture of all kinds of people huddled in groups when they eventually pluck up the courage to open the doors. Boys, girls, people - literally surrounding the place, just chatting away like this isn’t the weirdest thing ever. 

Camila stands there, utterly shell shocked. Ava clicks two fingers in front of her face three times before the smaller girl finally comes back around and breaks into a quick prayer. “Still believe it won’t be as bad as we think?” She smirks. 

To their left, there’s a large table offering a diverse buffet and a generous sized bowl full of purple punch. To their right, there’s a sign above a pair of closed, velvety red curtains that says _Nuns Corner_ , and upon further inspection, it looks like it’s a place for people to-

“Is this even _legal?_ ” Ava asks weakly, and there’s a sudden, protective sensation in her chest to cover up Camila’s innocent eyes before she catches on. 

“It sure is.” Mary appears from behind them and she scans the room. “Ho-ly fuck, she really did this.”

“She really did. And what about, in like, God’s eyes?” 

“Why do you care?” Mary retorts. And sure, yeah, Ava is the least religious one out of the lot of them, but there’s an unnerving sensation somewhere at the back of her mind telling her that this club is a one-way ticket to hell, and if there’s even a small chance that God is real, well, she’ll never get to meet him after this. No exceptions, halo be damned. 

All of this is completely absurd, even for someone as fluid as Ava. The only reason she’s agreed to this in the first place is to maybe get the chance to spend extra time with one person and one person only. (As if they don’t spend all of their spare time together already, yearning silently from across the halls included _and_ burning heart eyes into each other when the other girl isn’t looking.) 

“Good, you’re here!” Lilith appears out of nowhere, alarmingly chipper. She’s wearing a fitted black suit and a pair of black high heels, like she isn’t tall enough already. There’s a clipboard in her hands and a pair of glasses perched on her head, but the most unsettling thing of all is the large, contrasting badge that says _organiser_ pinned to the left side of her blazer. “So, what do we all think? It’s great, isn’t it!” Her arms gesture around the hall proudly, in a manner that suggests their opinions will not matter anyway. 

Mary crosses her arms and quirks an eyebrow, “it’s definitely something.”

Lilith drags her eyes up and down Mary’s form, curling her upper lip. “I see you’ve dressed for the occasion. As usual.” She sniffs and Mary rolls her eyes. 

Shannon joins them momentarily, senses the new tension and pulls Mary away in a hurry to grab a drink at the table. Lilith watches them leave with an unimpressed scowl and then focuses her undivided attention back on to Ava and Camila once they leave her line of sight. 

“Camila, hi,” Lilith says, and her face fully softens free of all evil when she smiles at the smaller girl. Camila smiles back and then somehow it turns into this strange, silent, yearning stare-off that makes Ava feel very uncomfortable. Their locked eyes dart away from each other’s when Ava clears her throat, and Lilith scarily acknowledges her with a shining white smile that’s anything but kind-hearted. “Ava, hello.” 

“...hi,” Ava replies. “Have you seen Bea-“

“Please make your way over to the desk at the back of the hall to find your match.” Lilith says extremely robotically, making Ava wonder how many times she’s already said it today. She’s about to protest and tell Lilith to shove it up her ass, but there’s something about the challenge in Lilith’s eyes that’s _daring_ Ava to fight back. 

“Whatever,” Ava shrugs. This is all just a farce anyway, and she’d much rather not be in the presence of a pair of pining idiots. 

*

Ava’s been here all of twenty-three minutes and she’s absolutely ready to singlehandedly _kill_ Lilith when she receives her OCS match. 

_The Wrongful Halo Bearer, Ava Silva – The (Not So) Pretty Boy, JC_

There’s no way in _hell_ -pun most definitely intended- that Lilith has tracked down JC and brought him all the way to the OCS (the real one, that is!) just so she could match him up with her. Ava marches towards where she saw Lilith last - scary smile be damned - but she stops in her tracks so suddenly, that the black current punch in her glass (which, she’s certain has alcohol in it) spills all over her yellow shirt.

Beatrice - the main reason for every clumsy mistake she’s ever made - beams at her from afar. She waves Ava over and merely raises her eyebrows when her eyes flicker to the dark purple stain on her shirt as though it’s expected.

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, laugh away.” Ava says, but laughs along with Beatrice anyway. 

“What happened?” Beatrice asks. 

“I-” _saw you_. Ava thinks, but she— can’t. They don’t say _those_ things to each other. “I’m pretty sure my hand phased through the glass a little.”

Beatrice is somewhat taken aback, but doesn’t seem to catch on luckily. Ava knows they spent many, maaany hours of training to get her where she needed to be in regards to using her halo-bearing abilities, but what else is she supposed to say? _You turn me into a pining, clumsy idiot because I’m helplessly in love with you?_ Absolutely not!

“oh… really? Perhaps we should re-start our training sessions again. After all, we don’t want you spilling drinks down yourself, do we?”

Lying to Beatrice is something that Ava has always frowned upon, but pretending to be incompetent at something she’s actually pretty good at now just so she can hide her feelings is a new low. Though when she thinks about it, more training sessions means more time with Beatrice, and that’s a victory in her eyes.

“I’d like that.” Ava smiles at her, and they stare at each other for a good minute, eyes burning into one another’s. It all abruptly gets too heated for Ava, and she blurts out, “So! This whole thing, huh?” Her arms wildly gesture around the busy hall. “Can you believe-“ 

“-Sister Victoria.” All of a sudden there’s a random, milky white hand forced into Ava’s face waiting to be shook. Ava looks at the hand, and then up at the ginger girl in front of her, frowning. “Uhh... Ava.” She grabs the hand and shakes questioningly, looking back at Beatrice for answers. 

“Oh, it’s nice to finally meet you!” The girl, Sister Victoria, exclaims. 

“Yeah… you too, I guess.” Ava says quizzically. 

The girl links her arm with Beatrice’s, and Beatrice stiffens, appearing wholly uncomfortable. It takes Ava a moment to register, and when she does, her heart sinks deep into her stomach. “ _No_.” She says, absolutely and utterly mortified. 

Beatrice looks away from her. 

“What?” Sister Victoria asks, completely unaware of the fresh, brittle tension circling them. 

“You two?!” Ava squeaks and points an accusing finger between them both. “This- _how_ did this even happen?!” She sputters, “you can’t be paired with each other!” 

Sister Victoria, unmindful to the (unspoken) relationship between Beatrice and Ava, composes herself into a new stance of defence and says, “that’s sounds extremely homophobic of you.” 

Ava almost aspirates on her own saliva. “wha- I’m not homophobic!” 

Lilith, as if she hasn’t caused enough trouble already, strides over to them and says sharply, “we have a zero tolerance for homophobia at the OCS.”

“I’m not—! Oh, for Christ sakes Lilith, it’s _me!_ I’m _not_ homophobic!” Ava pleads with her, infuriated that this is even a topic for discussion. 

“Well, it definitely sounded that way...” Sister Victoria says. “didn’t you read rule number six?” 

“…Rule six?” Ava queries. 

Just as Sister Victoria opens her mouth, Lilith raises an abrupt hand. “Allow me.” She says, and pulls out a laminated list of sentences numbered from one to ten. “Rule number six: any signs, comments or actions that suggest even the slightest indication of homophobia will _not_ be tolerated at the OCS. In any way _shape or form_.” 

As Lilith firmly reads out rule six, and explains the importance of acceptance, diversity and inclusion to Ava of all people – the latter looks at Beatrice with begging eyes, but Beatrice still refuses to look at her. 

“What’s happening?” Mary joins them, having heard the commotion from the other side of the hall. Shannon alongside her. 

“Well,” Sister Victoria starts, “your dear friend Ava here is homophobic.” 

Mary and Shannon look at her. “Are you?” Mary asks. 

Ava throws up her hands as if to say _what the hell do you think_.

Just as it can’t get any worse, JC appears out of nowhere and hugs her so tightly that she nearly collapses, and only then does Beatrice decide to look at her. 

*

Turns out, there _is_ alcohol in the punch. Ava notices the way everyone - even the _nuns_ \- are swaying slightly on their feet. Whatever Lilith’s put in it is pretty strong, and the woman in question is currently glaring down at an unfortunate cowering soul who’s merely trying to apologise for bumping into Camila. 

The worst part about this whole situation is that JC hasn’t stopped following her. He’s staring at her like a lovesick puppy, and she knows she owes him answers but Beatrice is literally at the other side of the hall with shitty Sister Victoria and Ava can’t take her eyes off of them. 

“Where have you been?” JC asks her. “It’s been months, I’ve been so worried about you.” 

Ava’s sure Beatrice’s eyes keep flickering over to her, but it happens so quickly that she could just be wishful thinking. 

“Ava?” JC places his hand on her shoulder, trying to get her attention. 

“I’m sorry.” She admits to him, eventually peeling her eyes away from Beatrice. And, it is a genuine apology. She explains everything to him, but obviously leaves the part out about magic halo’s and demons and certain members of the gang taking a (far too short) trip to hell. 

“Wait,” he thinks for a moment. “Does this mean you’re a nun now?”

Ava smiles widely at him, “Why yes, yes it does.”

*

Pretending to be a nun doesn’t faze JC. At all, apparently. So, she’s escaped with the old _I’m going to get a refill_ and it’s technically not a lie because her glass is empty, the punch is very nice and she feels slightly tipsy, in a good way. Plus, there’s a good view of Beatrice and shitty Sister Victoria from here – good enough that they won’t notice her watching them.

When she fills her drink up, she turns around to get into a decent stakeout position and legitimately collides into Beatrice herself, spilling yet another glass of purple punch on her yellow shirt. 

“Woops.” Ava says, smiling sheepishly at the other girl. 

Beatrice raises her eyebrows. “Perhaps that’s karma for being homophobic.”

“I’m not- ugh, you know what-”

“Relax.” Beatrice smirks, scanning the buffet in front of them. “I’m just teasing.” 

Ava’s eyes linger on a smooth, delicate tongue exposed before her as Beatrice spoons a generous amount of butterscotch ice cream into her mouth that’s an offering at the buffet, ignorant to the fact that it makes Ava completely weak at the knees. Ava shakes her head and looks away guiltily for a moment.

“Of course you are.” She chuckles lightly. There’s a deep, caustic feeling inside her stomach, and she can’t help blurting out her thoughts like word vomit just to upset herself a little more every now and then, and unfortunately, this is one of those times. “So, how’s your date going?”

“If you can even call it that,” Beatrice says gravely.

Ava hates the way her body reacts pleasantly to the idea of Beatrice having a terrible date with someone else. She should be happy for Beatrice, and sad for her when things don’t go how she wants them to. Yet, here she is, revelling in the mere possibility of the failure of Beatrice’s romantic life. (With someone other than herself!)

“Oh, why is that?” Ava asks calmly. Just as Beatrice opens her mouth, with Ava standing on the tips of her feet waiting expectantly for the words she _desires_ to hear, JC appears randomly in between them both.

“Hi, I’m JC.” A hand is shoved into Beatrice’s face this time and Ava wants to _scream_. 

Beatrice takes his hand stiffly. It’s extremely rehearsed, but polite regardless. “Sister Beatrice.” 

“Erm, JC!” Ava says, before things go where she definitely does not _need_ them to go. “would you mind grabbing me a plate please? I’m starving.”

“Sure!” He smiles and then regards Beatrice. “You want one?” 

Beatrice shakes her head. “No, thank you. I had better be getting back to…” she points behind her shoulder in the direction of shitty Sister Victoria and Ava’s heart cracks a little. 

“Bea, wait.” Ava pleads.

“Ava it’s fine, really.” Beatrice says, and there’s that rehearsed smile that Ava has come to know over the past year. “You should go and enjoy your night.” And with that, Beatrice disappears and Ava yearns after her and then prays internally that the ground will swallow herself whole. 

*

It’s potentially the worst night of Ava’s life, and yes, that’s including the night she died too. She’s sat with Mary and Shannon, and tries not to feel bitter about how happy and carefree they look together. Mary is sat on one of the church seats, picking at the buffet next to her whilst Shannon sits on her lap. It looks extremely domestic to Ava, and she imagines what Beatrice and herself would look like in their position. 

“Why don’t you just go speak to her?” Mary cranes her neck from behind Shannon’s back to look at Ava. 

“Who?” Ava asks coolly, but it’s the constant pulling of a loose thread on her shirt that gives her away. (It’s definitely not the pining eyes.) 

When Mary just blinks at her, Ava says, “because…!” Then she sighs, completed exasperated and _tired_. 

“Because…?”

“She’s… everything and I’m nothing. I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy.” 

“Have you ever stopped and thought about what she might want?” Shannon adds.

“Yeah,” Ava replies, “I’m doing it right now.”

“Are you?” Mary asks pointedly. 

“Yes,” Ava says, more firmly and mainly to herself. “She’s my best friend, I love…” she gulps, “seeing her happy.”

“If that’s the case then I think it’s only right that you _do_ go speak with her.”

Ava frowns because none of this makes any sense to her. There’s a whirlwind of emotions swimming through her mind and she’s just about had enough. This fiery feeling has been boiling up inside of her, especially when she looks over and sees Beatrice laugh at what could possibly be one of shitty Sister Victoria’s jokes. _No_ , Ava thinks. Only she should get to experience the sacred sounds of Beatrice’s laugh when she tells a stupid joke. 

She jumps up from her chair abruptly, ignoring Shannon’s and Mary’s _are you okay’s_ and _what are you doing’s_. She marches halfway across the hall with one goal in mind; but she’s suddenly stopped by a strong, masculine hand on her shoulder. 

“Ava,” JC says.

“Enough!” A blinding burst of light emits from the halo on Ava’s back, and the huge chandelier that hangs from the ceiling breaks away from its chains and falls straight to the floor, shattering into a thousand pieces. 

Luckily no one is near enough to be hurt. 

Everyone stares at her, and she’s breathing so heavily that she fears another burst of power will emit from the halo again. “I’ve had enough!!” She shouts. JC backs away from her. Shannon gapes at her and Mary leans back cackling away, whilst opening a packet of popcorn. Beatrice looks at her with deep concern etched across her face and Camila and Lilith are… straightening their clothing and wiping their mouths after returning from the direction of what looks like… _Nuns Corner_ …! 

“ _You!_ ” Ava points an inculpating finger at Lilith. “This is all _your_ fault.”

Lilith merely shrugs and re-fixes her top two buttons, “sorry but, I don’t converse with homophobes.”

“I am _not_ homophobic!” Ava shrieks, “you know why? Huh? Because I’m in love with her!” And her finger points in the sole direction of Sister Beatrice. 

Strangely, no one except Beatrice, JC and shitty Sister Victoria seem to be surprised by this information, and realising what she’s done, Ava squeezes her eyes closed for one second. 

Two, three, four seconds. 

One could say the alcohol has had its way with her body and soul, but a little like her word vomit, yet more so action vomit this time (and evidently without any dignity left to lose), she marches towards Beatrice who’s still looking at her utterly blown away— _perplexed_ , and she can’t do anything but grab either side of Beatrice’s shoulders and pull her into a searing kiss. When they eventually pull back it’s like the world around them has disappeared, and it’s just the two of them. 

“I think about you all the time,” Ava breathes. “I do… stupid shit when I’m around you, like spill my drinks or trip over things because you make me _so_ nervous-”

“-Ava.” Beatrice cuts in.

“-When you’re with me I can’t stop looking at you.”

“-Ava.”

“-smiling when I’m with you.”

“Ava-!”

“-I’m in love with you.”

“Ava, for the sake of our sanity _please_ let me speak!” Beatrice demands.

“Sorry.” Ava winces.

“I’m in love you too.” Beatrice reveals, “And I have been ever since you hugged me in Mother Superion’s office.”

No one but Ava raises their eyebrows, “That long?” Ava asks and Beatrice nods in response and they share an intimate smile, bringing their faces closer and capturing each other in a sweet, slow kiss. 

“Finally!!” Lilith shouts from somewhere within the crowd. “Pay up, everyone!” She demands. People proceed to form a line in front of her, mumbling away grumpily and drop ten euros each into the plastic Tupperware she’s holding that, if Ava squint’s her eyes, can just make out the little OCS funding sign on the front of it. 

When Beatrice and Ava frown at each other, realisation dawns upon them both (maybe Beatrice a little quicker than Ava) and their faces morph into mortified shock and disbelief. Beatrice says to Lilith, voice firm, “You made a bet with apparently _everyone_ in the OCS about Ava and I confessing our feelings for each other?!”

Seemingly, _it took eleven months, twenty-three days, seven hours, a pair of incompatible dates and the title of a homophobe for you to finally admit your feelings for one another – can you blame me?_ Is a genuine enough excuse in response. Ava almost collapses when she hears Mary say _darn it_ , and fish inside her jeans pocket for ten euros, placing them sulkily into the Tupperware. 

Lilith covers Camila’s ears and says dead serious to Beatrice, “I do hope you enjoy your first shag tonight – but _please_ spare me the details tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.”

Ava sputters, Beatrice turns a deep shade of red and Camila, not being able to hear a damn thing says, “So does this mean that Ava isn’t a homophobe?”


End file.
